How AIMS testing possibly saved my kids

Thank the good Lord above that AIMS testing swooped in and saved my children from my ungodly parenting and in the nick of time too.

They sent home a helpful testing sheet chock full of amazing advice like:

-  Get a good night's sleep
-  Eat a healthy breakfast
-  Don't stay up too late watching TV
-  Avoid stress

And maybe it wouldn't be so bad, understandable even, if it weren't all in SHOUTY CAPPS!!! 

And repeatedly underlined and bolded just in case we might forget or are too stupid to grasp the concepts otherwise. 

And just in case I wasn't actually going to listen to them they can go to school early for a free healthy breakfast there. 

This kind of messes up my routine, honestly, now who's going to do the bill's if Daymon can't do them because of stress?  It never seemed to bother him before, if you don't count the chain smoking.  And who says a half a krispy kreme and a stick of dentene isn't breakfast?  By who's standards?  I think one of them had a RockStar too.  And those bags under the eyes are from all the late night crack parties we have around here but who says we're not fun! 

I'll have you know AIMS people, that I'm not new to this parenting thing and I have in fact been feeding my kids since, gee I don't know, forever, and believe it or not I never send them to school hungry or with less than nine hours of sleep. 

Now why aren't you offering to comb Dylan's hair because that is something I actually need help with.

Oh wait.  I forgot you can't hear me unless I do this.

I NEED HELP WITH DYLAN'S HAIR!!!!!!