Blurry vision

I'm not sure why it is that perfectly beautiful women let the enemy convince them that they are less than what God created them to be.  I'm one of those women. 
I struggle.  Everyday. 

I let myself believe the lies that creep into my head that tell me I am fat, stupid, unworthy, unlovable and falling oh-so-short.  Instead of crushing the thoughts I have about being a bad mother, I let them sink in.  Marinate.  And my heart slowly starts to crumble.

 I force my way into jeans that I have convinced myself need to be at least four sizes smaller and that that number somehow correlates to my worth as a person.  I feel guilty when I eat.  I feel guilty when I don't.  There are days when food consumes my every thought.  Days when the thought of picking out clothes to wear is honestly too much for my fragile ego.  There have been countless times when I'm out that I compare my body type to that of every other female and feel bad for Hubby because he surely would be so much happier if he were married to that girl. 

And yet.  Hubby is the one who brings me back to center.  Like gravity he pulls my world into focus and redirects my thoughts, restores balance.  He reminds of verses like Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."  And he reminds me that God has made me exactly the way he wanted me to be and that it's easy to believe the lies that the enemy tells us but it takes faith to believe the truth in the names that God has given us.  Hubby reminds me that he finds me beautiful and that he truly doesn't see the flaws I see.  He has absolutely no idea what size my jeans are and truly doesn't care.  And I can breathe again. 

He reminds me of all ways I'm a good mother and the feel of tiny warm bodies snuggling close whispering I love you helps me to let go of the fact that cereal for dinner isn't the end of the world. 

I so want to be okay with who I am.  Mostly for her. 

Because it would crush me if she saw herself the way I see myself. 

And then I get a glimpse of what it must be like for Hubby to watch the person he loves more than anything, internally beat herself up.  And how helpless that must feel. 

So daily I reach out for the truth keeping me to the ground and search for my true identity in Jesus.  Because someday my hair will turn gray, my face will wrinkle, my skin will sag and my body will betray me.  But who I am in Christ will never change.  And that is the best news ever.  And when I meet Jesus I guarantee he won't give one iota what size my jeans were.