Things I never thought I would say as a parent:

"But if you use the couch as a spring board your head will go through the wall"

"Stop giving the dog a haircut!"

"I don't have any tissues. . . just use this."

"A little blood never hurt anyone, you're fine."

"How in the world did you get up there?"

"Stop walking up the walls! You're putting footprints on my paint!"

"I'm pretty sure the cat doesn't like that."

"No you can't eat the entire box."

"Who colored the underside of the table?"

"Is that blood or marker?"

"Your teacher said this was washable paint? Ask her to come do the laundry."

"We don't touch dead things!"

"If you're going to punch your brother use the boxing gloves."

"I'm sorry you can't marry me. Because I'm already married to daddy."

"You can have nice mommy or mean mommy. Your choice."

"Please stop asking people how old they are."

"Stop licking the floor! Pretend you're a dog that doesn't do that."

"No I don't want to see the color of your poop."

"We don't eat candy off the ground!"

"No I didn't know you could speak adult."

And the one I hoped I would never, ever say:

"Because I said so! And I'm the mom, that's why!"