If I get murdered while trying to lose weight it will be all hubby's fault. And also I'm hungry.

When girls who are really skinny get to be that way by not even trying and eating whatever they want I pretty much want to punch them in the face.  I mean they should at least have to swallow 16 cotton balls each morning and stab pencils into their thighs to distract from the hunger pains. 

I was told I was "pre-diabetic" which is code for "you suck you big fat fatty, stop eating junk food and by the way, no more joy."

I pouted and cried for two days.  A lot.

Me:  What the heck?  I already have a jerk of a voice in my head telling me how much I suck, I don't need an eighty pound girl telling me she would "like to see me exercise more".  She has no idea!  *waiving donut in the air* 

Hubby:  Well, maybe this will be good, it will get us motivated to move.

Me:  Is this one of those times when you say "we" but it's really just "me"?

Hubby:  I only do that with the dishes.  And ironing.

So I stopped eating all sugar and started counting calories which are really sneaky little things and totally everywhere.  In Cairo calories are called "energy" and honestly that just sounds much more appealing and a whole lot less mean.  My Snickers bar has 320 energy!  Yay me!

So everything was going super great, besides the whole wanting to strangle anyone holding chocolate, and then I heard about my friends dog having a collapsed trachea and now I can't exercise ever again. 

The end. 

Oh fine, I'll spell it out.

So, apparently this is a common problem with dogs and I couldn't figure out why and then it hit me, the leash!  Walking your dog puts pressure on their trachea and it can cause it to collapse.  I have been walking our dog a whole lot lately due to my new-ish fitness craze and have inadvertently been putting him at death's door. 

Me: Clearly I can no longer go for walks.  It is what is best for the safety and well being of our dear family pet.  And because he keeps me safe from serial killers and terrorists well, I don't think I need to state the obvious. Anymore than I already have.  I think my eye is twitching. 

Hubby:  Or. . .you could just get him a harness. 

Me:  .......OR, I could sit on the couch and read my ridiculously good book and eat my low energy popcorn and save my dog's life. 

It's like my good deeds go completely unnoticed around here.